On performance and why Shibari is like falling in love

First published on FetLife and featured on “Kinky & Popular” in January 2024.

Shibari is intimate. Performance is public. Therefore performing Shibari live is a delicate contradiction between creating a spectacle for the audience and tending to the intimate connection between the rigger and the rope bottom. I approach my Shibari performances as personal experiences. I prefer to think of them as rope scenes that happen to unfold before a live audience. But any show of rope suspension has elements of a genuine scene requiring trust between individuals, no matter whether the rest of the show is contrived. The inclusion of suspension introduces an element of real risk to any performance.

The gravity (no pun intended) of the risks involved in Shibari suspension cannot be overstated. A single mistake during a suspension can lead to serious injury and even death. I personally experienced a nerve injury during a Shibari performance as a rope bottom in 2019 and I carry a heightened awareness of the potential dangers. The twinge in my left hand for three years served as a constant reminder of the risks associated with this art form. As a model, you have to simultaneously trust in your rope top completely while also being aware that there is no absolutely foolproof way of avoiding an accident. As a rigger, I take on the responsibility of ensuring my model’s safety, whether we are tying in public or in private settings. Sometimes it causes me a lot of stress and anxiety.

Performing alongside my romantic partner, Pen, adds an extra layer of complexity and significance to the experience. I am humbled by the deep trust he puts in me and I admire his remarkable toughness. I know how much he gives of himself because I have performed as a bottom too. Tying for a nightclub show presents us with many challenges, including the difficulty of communicating in a noisy and dark environment. Caring for the level of trust and communication between us is extremely difficult while I navigate the technical intricacies of the performance; Pen meanwhile is balancing bodily awareness with extreme physical endurance and communicating with me. I take a lot of pride in how well we perform together under stress.

Returning this December to Fox & Badge for “Feral,” almost exactly a year after our previous performance “Into the Light,” was a poignant experience. I remember our New Year’s Eve performance in 2022 vividly because it was our first public performance together. When I watch the recording, I become emotional. I observe us not only performing together but also falling in love. I feel that the connection between Pen and me bleeds through the staged part of the performance, and it becomes a testament to the profound bond that can be inspired by and expressed through the art of Shibari. 

I love performing. I love being in the moment and having my brain stretched in every direction at the same time as I make split second decisions with the ropes and my partner’s body. I love absorbing the responses from his face, the sounds he makes, the energy from the crowd (though sometimes I forget they are there). I like to lay underneath him and admire him and feel his sweat drip onto my body. Our emotions are heightened and the barriers between us dissolve. When he feels pain or joy,, I feel it too.

I feel honored to share our journey and art with an audience. In many ways, Shibari mirrors falling in love – requiring trust, vulnerability, and a deep awareness of both the self and the other. The performance is a genuine expression of our private dynamic. I like to think that the audience doesn’t just watch a show but (however briefly) shares that intimacy with us.